I Am An Imbecile

I worked for months on that damn lace pattern and I've finally gotten it. I am iffy about repairing mistakes, but I can at least back up a row, and there are fewer mistakes to deal with. I made a hat, scarf and wrist warmers in a baby yellow which it will probably never be cool enough to wear in my lifetime, but I am reasonably happy. Got my new glasses and while they are great for laptop, knitting and reading, the computer at work is a challenge. The bifocal lens is so low, I am doing a lot of shifting up and down. I don't know. Maybe the no lines would have been better.. I fear how they affect going down stairs. If I ever have the chance to post me wearing the yellow lace ensemble, I will but I went right into the baby blanket- 217 stitches and easy, supposedly. Bah. It has been over two months. Let's see if I can complete it. I am pleased so far, but I have about oh, eight inches or so, probably. I have seen a few more stitches on the weekly stitch that I want to try. If they are all as hard as this one was, I will be working on it for the rest of my life.

Progress

Not only is the scarf coming along nicely, it's my Tuesday and I managed to survive yesterday rather well. Took the dogs walking-- and it's much nicer now that for the most part it isn't like being dragged and jerked along a washboard. They are so smart. If we were as smart as they are, we'd all be trained by now and the world would be a better place. I am thinking about making a hat to go with the scarf, now that I have gotten to where I haven't screwed the pattern up in awhile. And when I have, I've managed to fix it...and I love yellow. Again, since we're coming into summer, and global warming is making my winter wardrobe unnecessary, I guess this is just to keep me from smoking again. By the way, I really did quit this time....it has been 5 completely smoke free days and before that I was sneaking in two or three a day at work. The tapering off seemed to help...the last cigarette I thought, you know I'm tired of this. And surely with my sad history of addiction maybe this time goodness and mercy shall follow me. On another note, since my ordination in the ULC I have been asked to perform my good friend Nancy's wedding. I am of course nervous and excited-- and wouldn't it be freakin' awesome to have a part time gig doing various weddings? I mean, as serious as I am about the idea and philosophy of the institution, it would be awesome to impart some of my knowledge, which, after 26 years, I have a lot! I admit, the first time I did the ULC thing- back in 01 or 02, it was just a joke. But the second time it was more serious. I can't really see it going places, but it would be cool. My title is Officiant, and I am the Reverend Berry. How cool is that? I suppose I will have a marvelous day at work. I plan to anyway.

The Lace Torture

Well I can't describe it as anything else. It's been like a two month beating. I don't know if it's actually been two months, but it feels like much longer than that. (I realize now that I must have started struggling with this pattern around the middle of March, which is of course just one month but I have been frustrated enough for at least two months) I have not mastered the supposedly two star easy lace stitch, but I am close. Is this how it's going to be for me? I can't just pick up something new? Is THIS the kind of knitter I am, one slow to learn and stupid? Sorry. It is. So, I tried everything. The black yarn was making me want to strangle myself with it and mom said, why don't you try a different color? I did, and I have over two feet of a baby yellow scarf nearly perfect....I mean, close enough to perfect, even for me. It hasn't been easy either. The hardest part of any knitting for me has been learning to see when I need to knit or purl (it sounds easy but like I said, I am stupid) well I got that. But when inevitable mistakes happen I was having trouble correcting them. I have tentatively learned how to fix flub ups. Sort of. I've at least done it a few times and haven't had to unravel to the end. I am persistent, I know that. But shouldn't I have gotten better at this? Nope. Not me. But will I quit? Nope! Not me! I will hopefully find other lace stitches easier to master in the future. (Sure I will) and in the mean time I have hopes of making a hat in the same stitch to go with this.....which is hilarious. I suppose winter should be my favorite season since I can't wear any of this stuff in the 100+ weather here in Oklahoma. Onward, onward!

Yarn OVER

Argh!!!!! I am going insane with this one stupid pattern. Tried it on the #1 needles and that was nothing short of farcical. I am so disgusted with myself. I truly must be retarded. I am tired of feeling stupid.
So I just keep slogging on.
I started the original 217 stitch baby blanket. I think I have about 8 rows done on it. Went back to the black yarn and put it on #5 needles, hoping this might be a little easier. Fixed one mistake, which is vaguely hopeful. It's all about training my eye to find them and then developing skills to fix them. Which is why I am feeling like a real idiot.
So. I keep at it. Because I have to.

The Percocet Throw

I had surgery the 19th of March and during that time decided to try a new pattern. It was a Bernat pattern for a baby blanket (Two out of four for skill level) with 217 stitches of yarn over, psso and k2tog. Brilliant. I wielded my needles bravely with the fine white yarn, and did that thing where I kept unraveling about three dozen times and had trouble even casting on 217 stitches let alone not making mistakes on a weird lace pattern...eventually admitting defeat and then morphing the pattern into a very wide scarf- 67 stitches on #6 needles. Ugh. It started out iffy and got more so....until I had about 2and a half feet of wobbly, lurching knit. After some soul searching, I gave up and it is in a pile of hideousness somewhere in my sewing room. I took it about half apart, mourning the crooked rows and the drug-induced desire to start it at all after a procedure.
BUT! I did learn how to do the stitch..mostly. I learned it so that I can correct errors, mostly. I started, on #1 needles in a subtle sparkly black Bug bought me for the ill-considered and poorly executed Panda Hat....so, I am seeing a rather wide but dense lace emerge in uniform rows. I have learnt the stitch and I will be able to use the scarf in the fall. I feel like all that work was at least productive in that I learned the lace stitch.
I have about, oh a good five or six inches of good scarf started. I will re-do the white again, someday, maybe in all 217 stitches...
As I wrote this I finished unraveling the white monstrosity, and I look forward to the day when I really can follow a pattern like a real knitter.....
Oh why didn't I take Home Ec back when I was 14 like all the other girls? It has seriously impacted my entire life. I never knew I was going to want to sew and cook and knit. I never knew I wasn't going to be a bass player in a traveling band. I had no idea I was going to fall in love with a needle completely different from the hypodermic one I figured I'd die with in my arm at 21 or 22.
Ah, youth! I Suppose we all have these little regrets when we're nearing the half century mark mark and looking back.

Even through Loss

It's no secret that I knit constantly. I knit in the car, at work, wherever I happen to be.
A dear friend of mine died this weekend and I am knitting through that. I doesn't shut my mind off but it keeps my hands busy. It's such a horrible shock to lose LaVera, I thought we had so much more time together. I miss her. I wish I could have done something to help.

Still At It

I am still working on the sad bastard scarf. I wont let myself start another project until it's done. By that time it'll be too hot to wear the damn thing. I guess it will go in the giant bag with everything else.
I am trying to enjoy the mechanics of it- cabling, watching the progress, nice even stitches...but I am not the most patient person in the world so it's kind of a hassle. I can do this! I know I can!
Also, I have been entirely smoke free for six days...before that I slipped a few times, but even though this has been a stressful week I haven't slipped- not even at work. And that's where it's hardest. I hope I can stay strong. It sucks. I am past the itchy annoying feeling of needing a cigarette, and feeling crabby about it finally. I hate that de-tox part. You'd think I'd finally wake up and quit doing this to myself....what a head trip any addiction is. I love it, hate it, wish I'd never started it. I am certain I can quit this time- just have to keep not buying them and staying away from hazardous areas.
I CAN do this. I know I can.