Yarn OVER

Argh!!!!! I am going insane with this one stupid pattern. Tried it on the #1 needles and that was nothing short of farcical. I am so disgusted with myself. I truly must be retarded. I am tired of feeling stupid.
So I just keep slogging on.
I started the original 217 stitch baby blanket. I think I have about 8 rows done on it. Went back to the black yarn and put it on #5 needles, hoping this might be a little easier. Fixed one mistake, which is vaguely hopeful. It's all about training my eye to find them and then developing skills to fix them. Which is why I am feeling like a real idiot.
So. I keep at it. Because I have to.

The Percocet Throw

I had surgery the 19th of March and during that time decided to try a new pattern. It was a Bernat pattern for a baby blanket (Two out of four for skill level) with 217 stitches of yarn over, psso and k2tog. Brilliant. I wielded my needles bravely with the fine white yarn, and did that thing where I kept unraveling about three dozen times and had trouble even casting on 217 stitches let alone not making mistakes on a weird lace pattern...eventually admitting defeat and then morphing the pattern into a very wide scarf- 67 stitches on #6 needles. Ugh. It started out iffy and got more so....until I had about 2and a half feet of wobbly, lurching knit. After some soul searching, I gave up and it is in a pile of hideousness somewhere in my sewing room. I took it about half apart, mourning the crooked rows and the drug-induced desire to start it at all after a procedure.
BUT! I did learn how to do the stitch..mostly. I learned it so that I can correct errors, mostly. I started, on #1 needles in a subtle sparkly black Bug bought me for the ill-considered and poorly executed Panda Hat....so, I am seeing a rather wide but dense lace emerge in uniform rows. I have learnt the stitch and I will be able to use the scarf in the fall. I feel like all that work was at least productive in that I learned the lace stitch.
I have about, oh a good five or six inches of good scarf started. I will re-do the white again, someday, maybe in all 217 stitches...
As I wrote this I finished unraveling the white monstrosity, and I look forward to the day when I really can follow a pattern like a real knitter.....
Oh why didn't I take Home Ec back when I was 14 like all the other girls? It has seriously impacted my entire life. I never knew I was going to want to sew and cook and knit. I never knew I wasn't going to be a bass player in a traveling band. I had no idea I was going to fall in love with a needle completely different from the hypodermic one I figured I'd die with in my arm at 21 or 22.
Ah, youth! I Suppose we all have these little regrets when we're nearing the half century mark mark and looking back.

Even through Loss

It's no secret that I knit constantly. I knit in the car, at work, wherever I happen to be.
A dear friend of mine died this weekend and I am knitting through that. I doesn't shut my mind off but it keeps my hands busy. It's such a horrible shock to lose LaVera, I thought we had so much more time together. I miss her. I wish I could have done something to help.

Still At It

I am still working on the sad bastard scarf. I wont let myself start another project until it's done. By that time it'll be too hot to wear the damn thing. I guess it will go in the giant bag with everything else.
I am trying to enjoy the mechanics of it- cabling, watching the progress, nice even stitches...but I am not the most patient person in the world so it's kind of a hassle. I can do this! I know I can!
Also, I have been entirely smoke free for six days...before that I slipped a few times, but even though this has been a stressful week I haven't slipped- not even at work. And that's where it's hardest. I hope I can stay strong. It sucks. I am past the itchy annoying feeling of needing a cigarette, and feeling crabby about it finally. I hate that de-tox part. You'd think I'd finally wake up and quit doing this to myself....what a head trip any addiction is. I love it, hate it, wish I'd never started it. I am certain I can quit this time- just have to keep not buying them and staying away from hazardous areas.
I CAN do this. I know I can.

Endless

The scarf is just....eternal! I was thinking last night about starting another project but really, I can't think of anything until it's done. I am sort of obsessed I guess. It is kind of neat looking but if someone knew the pattern I was trying to follow they would laugh their heads off. Instead of tackling all the yarnovers and lace steps I just took the easy way out and cable knit it. It's ridiculous! Ah, well. I'll wear it. Maybe next year. As it's so heavy it will be a cold weather article and we don't seem to be having any of that this year.

Friday Update

Well! I was off three days. All I did was work on the sad bastard scarf...other things too boring to mention. I was rather blue most days, mindful of the upcoming medical circus that is my life.
Finished the Dad Hat and Scarf but now I have an almost superstitious fear of it. How could it be anything but grass green bad luck? I threw it into my knit basket and look at it in disgust now and then.
Panda hat...not so great. The eyeholes are not right. I keep thinking I ought to break the yarn off and try something else. It's tying up my size 6 hat knitters....but I wait, maybe until inspiration grabs me.
Back to work today, and I guess I'm ready for it. I don't know. I added my Twitter tweets to this page, so I'll try and keep it more craft oriented and less bitching about things. Besides, knitting is the most important part of my life.
Haven't had a cigarette and I do feel better. But we'll see, when I get back to work. I hope I don't cave to pressure. It doesn't do any good. I keep telling myself that, then I'll buy a pack of Marlboro shorts. Must....stay....strong....

Overload

I have three projects- maybe four- in progress. That's just dumb.
The scarf, which is a sad bastard of a conglomeration I am just plugging at. The panda hat....I fear this will be a real disappointment. The Dad hat, which had some major issues with the top cabling (It fell apart) and a random dad scarf I have only found part of when I reorganized my knitonia. The yarn is so ratty it will be a miracle if I create anything.
Sick as a dog yesterday- and ironically enough got a call from the gastroenterologist's office about the colonoscopy. Which was timely. If I hadn't felt so bad I never would have called back. But it might save my life. WTF. Like I care some days.
Also have the Ultrasound on the 14th and must follow up with Thompson. Dammit! Dammit all! I can't stay away from doctors. I think the problem is a conjunction of both the cyst and my awful intestines. Dammit again I say!