Dealing with Stuff

I'm no good at dealing with things like..oh, emotions, loss, addiction, frustration. I am only now realizing how against my personality being confrontational is. And a lot of it depends on mood. Ugh, I don't even like myself. I miss my old cat in surprising ways, bumping into it when I stumble across her old grooming tools or a furball stuck to something.
Sick of this weather. More rain in store, looks like but at least I have to work so it wont be so bad.
My knitting is a lifesaver! I'm struggling through a rib knit scarf, only difficult because I forget what stitch to start with and frequently have to make a few tries to get it right. Started a cap to go with Heather's purple scarf that I made so long ago I don't even have a picture of it. I am doing what I can to stay sane.

St. Francis

We have always gone to St Francis for our medical treatment. I like it there, the big pink monstrosity. We were in the Natalie Building today for Doug's spinal shot (which went better than he expected and was a profound relief) and I was required to drive him home because of the valium and the procedure itself. He hates anyone's driving but his own. I'll post the fabulous formal garden outside the waiting room at the surgical center. The doctor was great, too. I don't know, he's beeen sleeping most of the day except for our whirlwind trip to Walmart where I of course bought more yarn.
I'm making things for people I like and I'm thinking about writing a little card with each completed gift- Sarah B inspired me because I want to give her the scarf and little cap and tell her how much hope and respect I have for her. Then...eh, it sounds like a lot of work. Dude, I'm just trying to quit smoking.
It was so windy and gray today. It rained friggin' buckets. I hope it's nicer tomorrow.

New Camera

Bug got me a new camera, second hand HP that works great. I am always surprised when he does something so unexpected and thoughtful. He's like that though. Not much for organized holidays- he sucks at Christmas and birthdays but Valentine's Day he always aced for 19 years because of Ember. And he does little things that are just nice. He makes my coffee every day, he feeds me, makes me take my vitamins and my gout pill. He doesn't have to have a reason to be nice. I'm lucky for that.

Appointment

I hate getting up early. I have never been a morning person but nowadays, working so late and staying up to knit and watch TV until the wee hours...well, morning shouldn't start until about ten o'clock.
But it's not even nine. We have to be at Dr. M's office at 11. I am in morning mode- bathrobe, flipflops and hair upside down. I can barely walk and cannot straighten up completely yet. Couple cups of coffee will help that.
Maybe.
I don't can't imagine what is going to happen next.

Big, Big Plans

I have decided to make something- hat, scarf, friggin' pot holder, for everyone I like. I've gone around and asked what colors people like. I feel one of those obsessions coming on, like when I had to collect all of Tanith Lee's books...this was in the 90's and I was a used bookstore combing fool. Or when I decided to work out and get in shape and got tendinitis...or when I decided I hated being fat and I lost about 100 pounds.. As long as it keeps me from smoking and eating I am delighted to knit. No matter how bad at it I am.

Beautiful Sunny Day

I'm sitting here admiring the blue sky and breeze that makes me want to sort of go outside. I'm going to hustle around and get ready because I have to go pick up Ember and be ready for my Monday at work.
I have gotten a lot of knitting done. Made Bug a little cap. Working on the scarf to go with Emma's new boy's cap. I have a black scarf for myself on a pair of needles and a pretty orchid scarf for my friend Tabby. I plan to systematically make something for everyone I know.
My visit to mom and dad's was nice. No horrid comments about my knitting or my addition of a few pounds since I quit smoking. I did put on some weight but I've already lost close to half of it. It's very hard. I have to go back to the rules I established to initially lose about 95 pounds in the first place.....no eating heavily after work, not a lot of high calorie, fatty foods. Stay away from fast food and NO FRENCH FRIES! They are just soaked in fat. I gained about...oh, maybe twenty pounds when I quit smoking. I have about 11 to lose to get back to last good weight, which was tantalizingly close to my IBW. It never ends. You can't ever just stop being aware of what you eat or how it's going to affect your body. And really there's nothing better than being able to control yourself and fit into a pair of Size 12 Jrs...especially when you were once a Size 22 Big Fat Ass.

Monday Morning

I am getting ready to start getting ready. That means I'm blinking a lot and drinking coffee. Gonna be a bit before I'm completely coherent.
It hasn't been great lately but I've been plugging along. Finished Vanna's scarf, working on a matching hat, did a few other hats of tiny size and decided I like a heavier, worsted weight thread much more than the skinny soft stuff I bought for maybe a baby blanket or something where the user would need soft material.
Getting over losing Ember hasn't been easy. She shared my room and board for 19 years. It seems like loving and losing pets should have some kind of life lesson in it but I'm too sad right now to dissect it.
Otis and Thelma have tried to step up and fill Ember's..paws..and I appreciate that. I do love them. Bug and I always say we are rich in cats. We aren't quite as rich now. Still plenty of dogs though!

Worst Day Ever

I can say that with truth. Ember, my 20 year old Persian is in bad shape. I keep hoping and praying for some kind of miracle but I don't see one coming. I always swear I wont ever let one of my animals suffer but I seem to do it to every one of them. Selfish to hang on this way, but so hard to let go. My poor baby! It's made me sick. I have to take her in, it's not right to let her go on this way. She hasn't eaten since day before yesterday and she's not drinking now..I can't let this happen but I remember Bug's grandma saying never put any animal down as there is a miracle in store....ugh. No miracle. I can't do this to a pet who has been my constant companion since I was 25 years old. It's wrong and I've got to be strong enough for both of us......................
I am sorry to report the highly anticipated miracle wasn't to be. Had to let her go. It hurts so much. I couldn't let her go on the way she was. Nothing seems good right now.

Sunday Morning

It's been a long week for me. I have several things planned. I somehow cannot imagine any of it turning out well! I just have to get through an 8 hour shift! Surely I can do that.

At loose ends

The need of a new project is lurking in the wings. I am needing to sew a couple things, and the knitting, while absorbing....well I'm just bad. No two ways about it. As much time as I've spent doing this you'd think I would be better. Ah, practice.

Doctors

We're blessed in our family doctor. He's been seeing me since I was 25 or so. I depend on him so much. I hope he can help Bug feel better. I don't know. Things seem so bleak right now. I am trying to keep focused on something besides worry and misery. Knitting helps. I am also praying a lot.
Upside, met a really interesting woman at the doctor's who crochets. We talked a lot about color and yarn. She was super nice and I'll be emailing her so we can exchange yarnwork info!

Yellow Scarf

I knitted a yellow scarf- I love yellow and this one turned out ok. Thelma liked it. I test wore it (it's for someone else but I had to try it out) and spilled a carmel latte all over the damn thing. Immediately rinsed it and it all came right out, then had to carry a damp scarf all night. Great. But the on the round project is doing fair, and I am determined to keep at it.

Fellow Sufferer

My best friend has quit smoking. I can fully sympathize with her! IT SUCKS! But it's totally worth it. In the long run not being chained to that evil is both liberating and empowering. Slave no more, free from the shackles of an industry of death and lies!

Knitting on the Round

This is something new for me and I'm not doing very well with it. Three times I had to unravel it because of twisting- something the instructions warned about- but now I have it straight, I think, and my cowl is on the way. I am inspired to try a cowl and a muff, both things that if you tell someone you work with what you are doing they either stare as if you've lapsed into Greek or snicker as though "muff" is something dirty.
Anyway, I keep going. I am enjoying new things, which is pretty good for someone my age. I think my hope is that, in the dead of a cold winter when I walk around swathed in my own knitwear, someone will say, oh where did you get that great scarf? I made it!
Of course I'm the type of person who will walk up and ask about something a total stranger is wearing. Cute shoes! Is that scarf knit or crochet? I can't help it. And sometimes people aren't completely in love with a stranger coming up to ask questions. They seem to understand I'm not quite normal.

New Project

I went to get a zipper for a friend of mine so I can fix her pants and the fabric store had a 30% off sale. I found yarn in a color I love to wear so I decided I would make myself a cowl and muff next. We'll see. Part of me feels bad about wasting good yarn on my minimal skills but the rest just needs to keep going, no matter what. Ugh! I guess it's better than paying $6 for a pack of smokes.

Overboard

Like all things, I have indeed gone a bit overboard with my knitting. I have three projects started, the yellow scarf, a black one for myself, a blue and white cap which is from a pattern, an actual pattern, and a beige...something on the circular needles. I always liked the idea of 'knitting on the round' and so far I suck at it as much as anything else, the difference being you don't have to purl, just knit and the rotation creates the purl. Wish I'd known that a few years ago when I gave up knitting because it was just too hard. Maybe I lost interest. I wasn't making any progress so I gave up. Of course as I sit here sipping my morning coffee I think, I'm not really very good at anything. So I sit here doubting myself and wondering what I'll screw up next....
Maybe I should try to learn something the right way, not just getting a book and fumbling around. ext time I try anything new I'll go to class, so I wont have to sit around wishing I had taken Home Ec instead of crafts.